Winter is rough on relationships. More people come to me for Breakup Coaching in January than at any other time of year.
Laura and Mike spent 3 happy years together…’Going nowhere fast,’ as she put it.
Reluctantly, Laura decided to move on. ‘I was worried about hurting him and it wasn’t his fault.’ She was shocked to discover how devastating the breakup was for her. ‘It’s awful to fail at something so important. We work together so it was awkward trying to be normal, when I felt sad, lonely, scared, a heap of emotions.’
Adam’s girlfriend was planning to move in so discovering that she was seeing someone else was a shock. ‘I was angry. She never said sorry. Our relationship, me, meant nothing to her. I took it badly, it shook my self confidence and there was a lot of heartache.’
Science shows us emotional pain registers on brain scans just the same way as physical pain does. Your whole body feels out of kilter, stiff and aching.
Is it time to treat breakup pain just like a physical injury? Yes! A broken heart needs to mend.
Breakup Coaching helps you survive and thrive when your life is turned upside-down. Here is my guide to planning recovery from a failed relationship.
10 Ways to Survive a Breakup
1. Go with it. If your leg was broken you’d rest up and heal. Loss of a relationship is a serious emotional injury.
2. Live it. Wallowing in misery never helped recovery. Scratching an old scab causes scars or the wound to reopen. Give yourself a 10-minute moan time per day. Plan to wean yourself off that, too. Hold onto a shred of dignity, you’ll be glad you did.
3. Drowning your sorrows in beer and chocolate makes you fat and miserable. You want your ex to see how feeble you are?
4. Recovery takes as long as it takes. Don’t let people rush you or tell you to ‘pull yourself together.’ Think broken leg. Received wisdom suggest a month of recovery for each year you were together. Less than a year? A week.
5. Mind yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep. Mammy knows best in these situations. Keep the routine. You may not like it, but you sure need it. Clear out the phone, laptop and apartment. Relegate shared pictures and momentos.
6. Friends are friends. They’re not your mammy, therapist or or agony aunt. Nothing is more boring than bleating about a breakup … unless you are Adele or Taylor Swift!
7. Flaunting a BTN takes the bare look off you, but a ‘Better Than Nothing’ invites trouble you don’t need. A Bridget Jones thing.
8. Stick with a few friends at first. Get used to socialising as a single. Gain confidence. Build up gradually to larger events.
9. Can you imaging dating again? Good. Weird but often wonderful. Clean slate and all that sort of thing.
10. Give a newbie a chance. Let them know you’ve had a breakup. No roadblocks or caveats, a new beginning and no comparisons.
Journeying Beyond Breakup
And finally … is there a pattern to your breakups? Maybe now you can learn from past mistakes, upgrade your communication skills, reboot your confidence and self-esteem. A breakup offers you a chance to audit your relationship abilities, gather resources and discover new sides to yourself.
What did you learn from your breakup?
Would you use Breakup Coaching?
Share your story here …